Honestly, I made very little forward progress last week. At least on Bywater Grocery. I made significant progress on Duolingo learning German. I read lots of things to get enraged about--sexual and child and partner abuse and our collective hypocrisy....ugh. Oligarchs denying any fundamental human right to education and water. Our march to yet another intervention in the Middle East...oh, I can't even find words. (Well, I could...but I won't here.) Full disclosure: I also spent time on my shameful addiction to the most popular game on Facebook. As each day passed, I got more anxious that this was some indicator that I can't do this.
So, bottom line, I needed to decipher why I hit the doldrums to counteract my instinct to see it as some larger message. Two things stand out: First, the transition to fall--Rachel and Mario back to school so home alone...less interaction and less accountability...shorter days...S.A.D...
Second: I've entered a phase of this project that is particularly challenging for me: Calling up strangers and asking for things, even just answers to reasonable questions. Even when they are people who WANT to sell things to me. Bankers, suppliers, insurance reps...I LOATHE IT. I was going to say, "dunno why", but that's dishonest. It's that I feel like I'm going to make an ass of myself. I am comfortable using email, because I avoid the possibility of immediate embarrassment. Rational, no, yet it's nearly a phobia. Despite Mario's sincere and helpful reassurance that I couldn't make a fool of myself.
Still, as I look at the project as a whole, for me, this is the hardest part I can anticipate. I don't dread working my arse off, exhaustion, cleaning grease traps, sweat, cuts and burns, bad days, paying bills, managing people, even failing seems less intimidating. And realizing that is weirdly a relief. Cuz struggling in this bit doesn't mean I can't succeed. And, really? How catastrophic would it be not be perfect talking to a loan representative at Umpqua Bank? Or a State Farm agent? Not like a wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl, right? Right?
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